


First Try

by Pastel_Teacups



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 06:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3477515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_Teacups/pseuds/Pastel_Teacups
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Leave it.” He said, begged, shuffling away from the larger boy as he loomed ever-closer, a guardian angel Kieren never asked for. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>Rick approached anyways and tugged Kieren’s sleeve up, revealing too much blood and his long, messy cut. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Rick sucked in a terrified breath. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Kieren closed his eyes. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>“Please leave it,” he begged, but it was already too late. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>--</i></p><p> </p><p> Or, a pre-Series AU in which Kieren's suicide wasn't the first attempt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Try

Kieren had had enough. 

Everything in his life was so _monotonous_ , everything in his little town and his little family so quiet. His ears rang, and it had to stop. 

He wanted it to be loud, for once. He wanted his parents to yell, wanted people to scream, wanting _someone_ to do _something_ outside the damning routine of their lives. 

But nobody did anything. 

Life spun on. 

And to top it all off, Rick had found himself with a new girlfriend. 

His father’s knife fit in his hands well enough to dull the pain for a minute. 

It wasn’t long after he’d made the first cut down his arm that he heard a voice, far-off but still instantly recognizable. 

“Ren? That you?” 

No. Anything but Rick. Anything. 

But Rick appeared even with Kieren’s silent pleas, eyebrows knit together in worry as he came closer and closer. “What’re you doing here? I’ve been looking for-what’re you doing?” 

Kieren had been in the process of tugging his sleeves down hurriedly to hide it from Rick, but it was too late. “Ren. . .” 

“Leave it.” He said, begged, shuffling away from the larger boy as he loomed ever-closer, a guardian angel Kieren never asked for. 

Rick approached anyways and tugged Kieren’s sleeve up, revealing too much blood and his long, messy cut. 

Rick sucked in a terrified breath. 

Kieren closed his eyes. 

“Please leave it,” he begged, but it was already too late. 

Rick had scooped Kieren into his arms, and though the world was fading into darkness Kieren knew it wouldn’t be enough if Rick had any say in it. 

\----

When he woke up, he couldn’t help but hate himself even more than he did before. 

He was sitting in the back of Rick’s car, his wrist tied off with a roll of gauze that must’ve come in Rick’s first aid kit. The pain of the cuts were still there, but it dulled greatly in the face of his guilt. 

Rick sat next to him asleep, Kieren’s legs in his lap and his hand holding Kieren’s as tightly as someone at rest could. 

He had to get out of there, had to escape before Rick woke up and screamed at him for even _thinking_ about it. 

But the moment he made a move to disentangle himself from the other’s grip, Rick awoke. 

“Kieren?” 

He stilled. There was no escaping, now. 

“Morning,” he tried weakly, and Rick’s face went from sleepy and confused to enraged and infuriated in seconds. 

“How could you?” Rick demanded once he’d fully awakened, turning to Kieren with expectant eyes. “Can’t find you anywhere, and then I get to the cave and see you-” The words couldn’t get out, too busy being trapped in Rick’s chest. 

Kieren didn't know what to say. He’d had so many reasons, but none he could plausibly explain to Rick. “I didn’t mean for you to find me,” he said instead, staring at anything but Rick. 

“I don’t care, Ren.” Rick gave a heavy sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. “What got so bad? What made you want to leave so much?” 

He couldn’t tell Rick. He just couldn’t. 

“I don’t know.” He murmured, and Rick gave another tired sigh. 

“Fine, Ren.” He sounded resigned, and he tugged his hand from Kieren’s. 

Then, after a moment, he spoke again. “I thought you were gonna die, you know? I was _so fucking worried_ , and I couldn’t take you to the hospital, because I knew you wouldn’t want your folks to know. But I thought you were gone. What would I have done without you?” 

“Moved on.” Kieren said easily, tugging his knees to his chest. He knew what he meant to Rick, and he knew what would have happened had his plan succeeded. “You’d be fine without me. Better.” 

“That’s bullshit, Ren, and you know it.” Rick argued, voice tight. “You’re my best mate. What makes you think I could just keep going? If you left?” 

Kieren shook his head. “You’re smart, Rick. You’d get over it.” 

“Fuck you!” Rick yelled suddenly, making Kieren flinch. He couldn’t find it in himself to be sorry. “You’re just selfish, Ren. You don’t think. What would your parents do, if you offed yourself? Jem? All you were thinking about it yourself. There are consequences to what you do.” 

“I just want to disappear, alright? Because nobody actually cares, and there’s no point, and-” 

Rick’s head fell back against the seat, his eyes angry and filled with emotion. “I care, Ren. How many times do I need to say it to you? I would care if you left.” 

Kieren gave a bitter smile. “I don’t want you to say it, Rick, I want you to mean it.” He paused, shaking his head. What else did he have to lose? Rick would likely never talk to him again now, anyways. “I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, and you just go off with Vicky Waters, and I know it’s not your fault because you can’t know, but. . . it hurts, Rick.” 

When he looked up, Rick was staring. A spike of fear ran up Kieren’s spine: Rick was sure to hate him now. 

But, just as Kieren was certain that Rick was going to kick him out of the car and drive out of his life for good, Rick leaned forward and kissed him. 

His lips were rough and chapped, but Kieren found that it was perfect anyways. He brought up a hand to rest on Rick’s shoulder, not pushing him away but almost praying to keep him there. 

Kieren’s heart pounded in his chest, because things like this didn’t happen to him. 

But Rick was kissing him, and his hands were gripping Kieren’s waist and tugging him closer and Kieren hoped he’d never let go. 

They only pulled away when they needed to, but Rick didn’t let go of Kieren as they took in desperate gasps of air. 

“I care about you, Ren.” Rick breathed against his neck, grip still right on Kieren’s waist, keeping him close. “I don’t want you to die. You’re my best mate-you’re more than that.” 

Kieren stared at him for a long moment, before giving him a small nod. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and as Rick tugged him close and held him there, he realized he meant it. 

\----

Rick wasn’t there to find him, anymore. 

The knife fit in his hand just as it had that night a year ago, and it was too easy to open the jagged scar along his wrist and let it all slip away. 

Nobody distracts him this time from making a second cut, and he tries to shut out Rick’s looming voice: _I care about you, Ren._

“Shut up,” Kieren told himself, dropping the knife and staring down at the steady stream of blood slipping down his wrist and onto his clothes, onto the floor, everywhere.

 _You’re just selfish._

“Stop it.” He begged, bringing up shaking hands to cover his ears. To keep Rick’s voice out. 

_You’re my best mate-you’re more than that._

“Kieren?” A voice Kieren couldn’t place called, but he was gone before he could identify it.

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, my 100th work on AO3! I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
